Journey Through the Soulspaces: Germination

Prologue

This is the first instalment of a series of posts chronicling the story of a young girl transcending space and time to find her home.

Aliyah felt the words being ripped from her chest, at first wrangling and squirming in her belly like toxic snakes. The words were hopeless, gentle, and heartbroken.

“You left me.” she said in a raspy voice, breathing heavily, fat teardrops pouring over her cheeks. “Money and enjoyment were more important to you than.. Than..” she could hardly say it. She felt feeble and ashamed, almost ‘needy’ in saying ‘me.’ “I’m your daughter.” her voice was barely a whisper.

There was a silence. 

“Don’t be so dramatic, Aliyah!” her father yelled all of a sudden, grabbing her shoulder roughly. He lowered his voice. “I did it to take care of you.”

“Okay!” she screamed. “Then where were you? When I nearly got stuck in the Soulspace, when I couldn’t take care of myself, when I won awards and graduated from the academy? You never took care of me, never aided me in my time of need, never celebrated my happiness!”

Ever the level-headed man who could yank his own display of emotion up and down to suit the desirable reaction from his subject of focus, he was not unlike the Time Pharaoh.

“And where were you in my happiness? As for your needs, it was your choice to stay behind. The Pharaoh wanted to save our family from ruin, and you and your mother pushed me to start over alone!”

Aliyah had no answer for the former reference to his elopement all those years ago, to his so-called “happiness.”

“He’s a thief, Baba!” She paused, fuming. “He would have stolen the best parts of me!” So wound up in rage at his commitment to apathy, she could hardly articulate herself. She huffed and pulled clenched fists down in front of herself. “He’s a thief, and you listen to him and follow him, and, and… how could you abandon me for… riches? Because it was Mummy who paid for my stay at the lighthouse until I could earn my keep. And you… left me.”

“You wouldn’t understand these things. The Time Lord–”

“How can you call him that! He’s a tyrant, not God!” cried Aliyah.

“I said, the Time Lord gave me everything I could possibly need to explore the Soulspaces.” He leaned in, lowering his voice like he used to while telling her secrets when she was a little girl, noiseless butterflies fluttering from his lips to her ears, and she would giggle like she was tickled in delight. “I traveled the world, Aliyah, and it was beautiful.” 

“More beautiful than raising me?” she asked in a small voice. She was that little girl again. 

“I never said that,” he said gruffly, setting his mug down on the coffee table audibly.

They had been engaged in conversation for hours, losing track of the sun’s position in the sky outside the window. Houses nearby stood suspended in space with only their lights visible like Aliyah’s bedroom’s glow-in-the-dark stars to indicate they existed at all. Years had gone by, during that evening, flashbacks of her life. The common room they sat in would thereafter cease to be a healing place now that he had set foot in it.

Each moment that passed by was another year she was still abandoned, and the longer she stayed in his presence, the more power he had, the more she was letting him manipulate her emotions. He could do it with just with a flourish of the hand, a slight crease on his forehead or crossing of one leg over the other. And she was aware of this.

The whole room pulled toward her as she stood on shaky footing, and she steadied herself with a palm rested on the pool table. 

His speech became unintelligible, and the hardwood flooring began to swirl and morph into shapes akin to a river flowing to her feet and up her body until it reached her throat. 

The moments to come were a time of returning to herself.

The Soulspace was a place where one went to meet their soul in person. Some souls manifested as a place, others manifest as Polaroids floating in a sky full of stars, switching memories and playing back movies of thought patterns – the progress of mindset mapping over time. Aliyah’s was always at the seaside, quiet and serene, and sometimes it was the only place she could breathe; sometimes, she couldn’t reach it. She stood leaning against a tree in her burkini, a sign saying “women only” nailed to a pole nearby. A young girl peeked out from behind the shower station. 

“Oh come on out, Amina, I can see you already.” whined Aliyah.

“Okay, Aliyah, you don’t have to be so happy to see me.”

“It’s not my fault you’re always forcing me to think so hard.”

Amina rolled her eyes. “It’s weird. I’m younger than you and I have more courage to deal with what’s in front of me.”

“If you’re going to say you’re my other half I’m going to have to put my hand on your mouth before someone hears you!” Aliyah yelled.

“You’re just scared.” Amina stated this as fact. She put her little hands on chubby hips. “And no one’s here. The Soulspace is empty. Either because you are, or because you have stuff to figure out on your own.”

“You don’t know anything about me.” Aliyah clipped shortly, then added, “I don’t know what you’re doing here anyway.”

“You could ask.”

“What if I don’t want to know?”

“What if you’re in denial?”

“Oh please!” cried Aliyah, throwing her hands up. She looked back at Amina shyly. “Why are you here?”

“To help!”  Amina replied cautiously, rushing the words so she could let them survive being cut off. “I am your other half, you know. ” 

To her surprise,  Aliyah rested her back against the tree, sliding to the ground and made herself small. She looked at Amina with wide eyes, who sat in front of her with her head held high, and with a reassuring smile on her face, she took Aliyah’s hands in her childish ones and squeezed. “Close your eyes. Shut them tight. Now remember whatever touches us first.”

A wind blew by, and something bit her gently. Amina felt it as well and squeezed again. Aliyah rubbed the scar on her wrist and Amina’s hands, Amina herself, disappeared. 

“Aliyah, come back here!” a desperate father called after a toddler waddling down the street wearing nothing but a diaper in the summer breeze. He gave a wincing smile to a neighbor who put her groceries down to watch. 

“Immigrants,” she muttered, but not so quiet he didn’t hear. “Always neglecting their children.”

“Aliyah!” his voice was warning now, but what he could be warning a three-year-old about remained unclear to Aliyah as she watched the script playback. The last time she saw this Polaroid come to life, she laughed because her mother was telling her the funniest story alluding to how she was always running away from home. Now she was running from her father, from what it would take to reach her inner home. From change, from happiness and grief – from success, even.

Aliyah’s consciousness came back to her Soulspace where Amina was waiting for her, through the flowing river outside the Polaroid Zone of the Soulspace.

“Aliyah?” breathed Amina, tapping her half’s cheeks with the back of her hand. Aliyah squeezed Amina’s hands, and opened her eyes, looking overwhelmed.

“Do you see? It is no longer about running from home. You’re looking for home, Aliyah, and you’ve found it, here, in the Soulspace. Now it’s about how you must stop running to him, since clearly he does not seek to be your parent, but only to use you to turn back time.”

“But you know that’s not possible, the Rewind cannot change Qadar!”

“You know that. I do as well, but he does not. We need to keep it that way.”

Aliyah wrung her hands in her lap. “I don’t understand.”

“My dear friend, don’t worry yourself about what does not concern you for now. If Baba pursues a relationship with you after all this time, he has only returned for a piece of you, but deep down you and I are both, at least vaguely, aware of the truth. None of this is about who you are and why you love him so dearly you would do almost anything for him in a heartbeat, so long as it was right.”

“I need to rest.”

“And that you must do.” Amina took her hand and led Aliyah to a bed that had materialized without their noticing, with curtains drawn around it and floral arrangements beckoning her with their sweet scents, the mattress lined with soft velvet duvet and fluffy pillows. Aliyah climbed in, and Amina held her hand with a big smile that reminded her of her childhood Polaroids. She saw a glimpse of her nine-year-old self skipping with a rope among fall leaves in her Mary-Janes with a toothy smile. Her worries broke away and shattered, merging with the sunlight and disappearing with the words, “hasbun allah wa ni’mal wakeel.”

Aliyah imagined Allah’s rope to be like a golden strand so tightly stretched and taut across the air above her that it did not feel like a thread, but like a cool rod of unearthly gold. This divine substance was immeasurably strong and immensely reliable only to those who believed in it as completely as they could with all the trust their hearts could muster. 

The only way to describe her journey was to say it was metamorphosis. She could not breathe, move, eat or speak. Her heart was entrenched in concentrated impenetrable covers that was tough and gentle at once, her wish being granted when from the depths of her soul came the cry, “Zamilooni!” Everything around her was blurred, and even as she grew the stretching of her encapsulating material retained its strength, growing with her.

Aliyah continued to struggle until finally she had only enough energy to submit to the will of what Being held her high in such a tree of growth, and this was the greatest fuel she possessed. She put all of it into this belief, accepting she could do nothing and never had been able to do anything, without His Help and that she belonged to the Mercy of God’s Protection, which filled her with more joy and settled peace than anything. It was something she had never known, something she understood to be transient, but would continue to ebb away and return once again and again, if only she would continue to trust.

That golden rope would keep her safe, and the cocoon of metamorphosis was proof that she had greater lights to ignite, handing lanterns out to those who had need and carried simple, unshakable faith.

Slowly without much effort, she stretched and woke, opening her eyes slowly with a soft breath and cooling ocean wind touching her face and hands. She put her hands to her head and felt the clothes she was wearing, a soft, white billowing cotton dress embroidered only discreetly at the edges, layered with tulle the softness of which she had never touched before. She looked to the setting sun in her Soulspace.

It was time to go.

She put her hand to her mouth and discreetly bit her finger, and it worked like sincere prayer. The turquoise water had morphed into ugly, peeling green wallpaper and she tore her eyes away from the color of growth to his war-torn face. He had never fought a battle worthy of a good man’s sacrifice. Those empty eyes, those thin, ripped lips, those sunken cheeks, made up a face so void of genuine emotion for her, were all a punch in the gut each time. She sighed and looked to the staircase, longing for her narrow, hard bed. He was still speaking. 

“I’ll give you anything you need.” he said, and something tugged at her, begging her to just try to believe it was more than just him making conversation and walking away, leaving nothing for her to hold in her hands. He went on, “I’m here now. Remember, Aliyah, if you stay in the past, no one will stay behind to hold your hand and bring you out of it. It’s what I learned as a young man with a family who abandons me over and over. No one saves you but yourself.”

He waited. She stood up straighter, despite the recoiling within, her survival mechanisms kicking into action. She could fall apart later. Now was not the time.

“Let’s agree to disagree on that,” Aliyah began, shooting arrows coolly. “Allah saves me, not you, nor I. I do my part, but I trust Him because He was always there with me and always will be. He is my Lord, and my Sustainer. I happened to learn that the hard way when you weren’t around to… ‘pull me out of the past,’ or my illness.” Aliyah tugged at the switch under the lamp shade, causing the room to go almost completely dark. She stopped at the door as she began walking away. “Have a good night. I probably won’t see you in the morning, because after all that has transpired, as per my past experience, I know you’ll be on the first plane to leave, so I’ll just say Allah Hafiz.” 

Her father leapt from his armchair. 

“Wait! Come back here!” He yelled.

She paused again, putting a hand up to her chin. “You know what makes this easier on me, Abba? It’s that I realize I don’t need you to love me, because that’s not everything that matters to me. I have felt,” She sighed, placing her hand on her heart with a smile then looked to him again, saying, “I have felt this faith, and I hope you have it too someday, and I have realized that quite simply it is more important to me than all the heartache of wishing you wanted the best for me and craving a genuine affection I may never have.”

“Are you going to abandon your father in his old age?” he growled. “Strip him of his daughter?”

“Are you going to reduce me to a commodity, someone who can access the Rewind, and not tell the truth? You have tried to sell me for a petty price, but I have paid my dues as a daughter. I have tried to defend you, to befriend you, but you will sell me to the highest bidder, even one who claims lordship, and that I cannot forgive. There are two sides to every story, Baba. If you’re not going to be honest with me, at least do so in front of the mirror in your Soulspace, if you really can still access them. May Allah forgive you and take care of you as you have cared for me.”

Infinite Pleasure

When you think about the Day of Judgement, it often sounds like it’s the end. In the Quran, Allah uses words like the “Last Day” and the “Final Recompense” to describe the end of life on Earth. One can get preoccupied with this concept, and forget that Allah takes a step further that is arguably even more important, as the result of the Day of Judgement identifies those who bathed either in more than good than evil, or vice versa and where these people belong. If they are going to Jannah, where will they go? If Hellfire, is it forever?

In this case, it is helpful to quote Surah Al-Imran, verse 14:

﴿١٤﴾ زُيِّنَ لِلنَّاسِ حُبُّ الشَّهَوَاتِ مِنَ النِّسَاءِ وَالْبَنِينَ وَالْقَنَاطِيرِ الْمُقَنْطَرَةِ مِنَ الذَّهَبِ وَالْفِضَّةِ وَالْخَيْلِ الْمُسَوَّمَةِ وَالْأَنْعَامِ وَالْحَرْثِ ۗ ذَٰلِكَ مَتَاعُ الْحَيَاةِ الدُّنْيَا ۖ وَاللَّهُ عِنْدَهُ حُسْنُ الْمَآبِ


14. Adorned for the people is the love of desires: women, and children, and piles upon piles of gold and silver, and branded horses, and livestock, and fields. These are the conveniences of the worldly life, but with Allah lies the beautiful return.

The word “lies” holds significance. It emphasizes that Day of Judgement is the introduction, only the prologue. It comes following the record of the publication years once our books of deeds are complete and sealed with no more chances of forgiveness once death, and subsequent life is upon us. Life after death goes beyond the image of a choice between a Garden or a Fire. It’s a life gorgeous or excruciatingly painful beyond measure, and Allah is Just. Yes, in the present tense, there exist desires Allah Himself put in us, but if we limit our indulgence to moderation in them, we get to go all-out in Jannah as part of the rest of many reasons why we are honored into it. But also, presently, there exists something Allah does not even fully explain, leaving the wonders of Paradise to our imagination so that our minds can wander. As a result, we can feel satisfied with a life of devotion knowing that’s what waiting for us beyond a life of effort and determination towards truthfulness to who we are and to Allah.

In Surah Baqarah, verse 134:

﴿١٣٤﴾ تِلْكَ أُمَّةٌ قَدْ خَلَتْ ۖ لَهَا مَا كَسَبَتْ وَلَكُمْ مَا كَسَبْتُمْ ۖ وَلَا تُسْأَلُونَ عَمَّا كَانُوا يَعْمَلُونَ


134. That is a community that has passed. Theirs is what they earned, and yours is what you earned, and you will not be questioned about what they used to do.
This follows a similar theme of a constant happening right now. In each life, be it the dunya (this life), yawm al akhir (the day of judgement), or the akhira itself (heaven or hell), there are laws that stay the same. This particular law says that the final destination of existence is not about what your ancestors or parents did. We are only responsible for our own actions. So when Allah says “yours is what you have earned,” it could be interpreted as Allah saying, “look, you could die at any time, and there is a beautiful return for you ahead if you are good. But if you die now, and you haven’t earned your keep, you don’t get to give a down payment or a loan for your house in Jannah. You either paid for it, or not. It’s not yours if you don’t decide to live by your need for it to be yours in a way that is acceptable to your Lord.” That should motivate you, because it means you now know that it’s actually in your hands. It reminds you of your agency that comes with the responsibility of living a wakeful life. You are of sound mind, and you hold a heart in your chest and soul within that is capable of bettering itself.
Recalling Allah’s words in verse 14 of Al-Imran, Allah’s mercy is starkly clear, bright and soothing like sunlight on a breezy, partly cloudy summer’s day. Allah is reminding us of the obvious: we want things from life. We want enjoyment, peace and even excitement. We want to experience beauty, and feel strong and look good. We want to possess the best items and the most wonderful, blooming relationships. Men want wives and fancy modes of transport, women want husbands and all the world has to offer. Allah is reminding us that He created us, so yes, He knows. It is His decision that we are that way! This is comforting and so freeing because it means He understands our need to be happy and how we will be happy even more than we do. He has shown us the way, and we’ll never run out of goodness because his grace and generosity is infinite and perfect in time and the nature of the blessings.
As long as you maintain hope that Allah will generously reward you, it is easy to abstain or moderate when required. When you know that you have a responsibility towards your own joyful afterlife and that there’s only one way to achieve it, your heart will grow fixated on your goal and it will get easier and you will start to enjoy the hard times. Not because they are easy, but because of the knowledge that there is something better beyond with your patience being rewarded and a close relationship with the most compassionate, beautiful and healing being that is with you.

Dream in the Face of Fear

“Allah tests those whom He loves.”

It takes faith and a good amount of inner work to understand what this really means. We all have those moments, when tough times seem impossible to escape, work through or recover from. I wonder if that’s just because we lost our sense of what patience truly is, from the natural inclination we had as children. Learning to walk, practicing swinging on monkey bars, falling off a bike, over and over again until we learned and even still we will fall again, sometimes just as hard or harder.  A man who learned to bike marathons could get swept in a gust of wind and hit the pavement, or worse, and through no error of his own. And it may have been his error, perhaps when some evil he engaged in came back his way.

More likely however, he needs that time in the hospital, as a test from Allah to prove himself as a faithful servant who would never abandon hope for Allah’s Mercy. The way Allah designed reality is that no reward can be had without opportunity to earn it. You can’t expect reward for claiming to choose patience. Truthfully, you only know you are patient when you need to be, and you only get to seek reward for a calamity if you are given the calamity. The Prophet peace be upon him went through some of the greatest trials, in fear for his life, in starvation, and in loss. But his gain was in trusting Allah, in being aware of the good that came from these experiences, as subtle as they were.

And actually, it’s the subtle things that make the biggest difference. The things we don’t notice right away are seeds for stronger foundations. That which comes and fades has little equilibrium and cannot be trusted to last as a support. When we learn a lesson about patience through a post like this, it is a good reminder, but is nowhere near the level of going through test after test and staying well and patient to the best of one’s ability.

There’s really nothing like it.

Patience that is Dreaming in the Face of Fear

There is another, more nuanced idea about patience that is vital to grasp, and without realizing it, we all grapple with it every day.

The man who fell off his bike was overworking himself at the office. With life-threatening injuries after getting hit by a car, he is awakened and begins to ponder his current mission in life. Coping wasn’t about being patient in the conventionally understood way, he realized. It was purely about the perspective that his patience gave him, patience that Allah gave to inherently possess, if he would only take heed and listen.

Allah wanted him to believe, but to believe is the bottom line, and deep down none of us enjoy settling for that.

Patience manifests itself even in how we pursue joy in our vocation of choice. It takes effort and courage to acknowledge that the choices we made to set up our lives when seeking Allah’s provision (think of the famous “tie your camel, and trust in Allah, both” hadith), aren’t satisfying. To look at your wife and say that you need to move away near a place where you can restart, when there is no need except an overwhelming drive to find and pursue what Allah created you to do, is unfathomable for most. Some people are blessed with spouses, parents and other family that support them in whatever they do, and this is a generous bounty from Allah ‘azza wa jal.

No one knows what is coming next. Tomorrow, you could return to God. You might be diagnosed with a debilitating disease, or with a brain tumor, wa-Allahu Musta’aan. It could be the loss of a loved one who was providing financial support in a time of need.

How can you, O mortal, flawed human being, come to think that all you had to do was hope things would get better, go the extra mile briefly just to get by and think you would be happy? The worst thought, the thing I fear most for myself and my readers, is that we for us to believe that Allah is not on our side.

Allah wants for you what you think you don’t want for yourself.

What does this have to do with patience? Allah may give what we think is bad for us due to the pain we experience. And yet, there are dreams we don’t pursue because we assume we wouldn’t find the heartache of failure before success to be worth it because that is what we have done all our lives. As the saying goes, there’s only one way to find out, and that’s to try.

I know you’re scared. I know you have a lot on your plate. But give yourself that importance. Do you truly believe that you matter and that your existence was not purposeless? Join the few who have meant what they said when they looked in the mirror and silently said it. Join those who found Paradise here in the dunya, who found inner bliss and calm. And not only that, but adventure and the gift of having something to contribute.

To say that it is not possible to even consider dreaming big because of your circumstances, and that you are okay with that is simply lethargic and not true. And most definitely, it is not patience; rather, it is the height of dishonesty with oneself and shows that fear is taking over. We all have things we aspire to, goals we want to reach. But we put ourselves down, and the greatest critic that drags our Fitrah with it pulling at the ground, trying to hold on with its face in the dust is ourselves and we put it there.

It is a tragedy to lose one’s value for their own fulfillment. What good can come of stagnancy, when all our souls want to do is soar past what we have allowed to bound us, chained to our inhibitions-what greater cause for grief? Patience is chasing your dreams, but being okay with knowing it doesn’t happen overnight.

Patience is believing that if tomorrow comes, it brings light to guide a second, hundredth, or even thousandth chance at success. It is also believing that there is no way they will live to complete their mission, so we must never give up, and never tire of dreaming big, but planning small. Whatever comes our way, there is in it what can be used to facilitate our way to Jannah.

It is our choice. A tortured existence without ever knowing why we feel so rotten, only because we gave up too easily; and only because failed to dream that we could succeed, or inner paradise

Stuck

I stay in the path of my fears

I ventured forth

I came to a pond in the field

Dreamed that inside I would go

Wet my feet and purify

Feeling the water; delight

And yet I

 

Stayed back

Worried my mother would find the mud stains

But I always sat frozen in that hail and rain

 

Knowing where I wanted to be

Caring for all but me

Abandoning my right to be free

To feel the grass under my feet

The birds are friends I used to meet

Oh! A child I used to be

Now look what maturity has done to me

 

I am aimless, wandering, how uncanny

They told me I’d be a doctor and that would make me happy

Nature continues to beckon me

But I chain myself to this chair.

There is Prosperity in Sincere Scarcity

It’s cliché, and that’s because it’s repeated often. And it’s repeated often, in my view, because it is very true. You don’t know submission to the will of Allah until you don’t know where your next meal will come from, wonder how you will afford to wash your clothes, or feel blessed just to have any when wearing the hijab for the first time after converting to Islam and being thrown out of your own home. You just don’t. And not specifically that situation. It’s when you don’t know if you’ll ever pay off your debt, and somehow, someday, like a miracle (and it is a miracle) you are saved by a generous person or forgiveness, an unexpected job offer or even your budget somehow leaving more than enough money. It’s barakah. It’s love of Allah. It’s for you, and that specific is just for you in that moment of relief.

As more privileged people – and you are privileged if you have an internet connection, we often forget. We think our money, name, and contacts are things we created out of our own sheer will, that we willed our money and name into existence by ‘earning’ it and gained contacts because of our ‘choice’ to ‘be’ confident. But how many people do the same thing, make even more effort, and don’t win in those areas? Do you say to them that have no willpower? As someone who has existed in many levels of financial and social status, living in different countries, it’s easy for me to explain that it doesn’t matter how rich or poor, or supported and popular you are, divorces happen, people lose their jobs, people lose their mental well-being. The world can be a sad place from the crooked lens. But here’s the hope.

There are experiences that teach you more than a book ever will. One of the most profound is loss. When you have basically everything life has to offer, and lose that, it is devastating but if you are taught well, you might find it humbling. You don’t know everything about the world, so have the humility of at least knowing that and respect wisdom from experience. Respect your own wisdom and don’t belittle the value of your life lessons.

Loss means that suddenly it’s not about who might have your credit card information when you lose your phone without a passcode on it (why, just why would you not have one? Excuse me.) It becomes about when your mother’s last breath will be, a worry that turns to gripping terror if you are not careful with how you share this feeling with Allah. You’re always sharing these feelings with Him, even if you’re not thinking about it. Because no one else shares the deepest recesses of your thoughts. It’s just Him. And you.No one else. Treasure this. It’s beautiful and it truly means more than everything in the Earth all the way up to Heaven. It is the most intimate and private relationship you have and if you don’t hold it in high regard, you might miss out the best life anyone can have. You might miss out on the right path to Jannah, Paradise, Allah Naa Karein. May Allah protect us.

Loss is a wonderful thing, truly. It brings you home. To the home within, and it shows you a side of yourself you had never known before. You become resourceful, observant and you become resilient. You pick up new skills faster, and more of them, out of desperation and it makes you an amazing human being. I don’t know of anyone who went through a calamity and did their best, and found a way to be satisfied with that even if they only achieved such peace and courage to try the new things, that was happier than someone who had was financially prosperous and had never learned that lesson. You only see miracles when you realize how desperately in need you are of Allah’s Mercy, and how He is constantly giving it to you without you having to feel a thought come about.

My Lord, for whatever you good you send down to me, I am in dire need of every atom. Alhamdulillah.

Heaven

One day I’ll see eleven

My homes, all of them

One day I’ll meet you in heaven

Family

All accompany

Everything I have known

I will never be alone

See this is how much I’ve grown

I don’t really know

What the world holds

In its entirety

All I can is sincerity

And my heart is not pristine

And I’m the first to admit

Only cause I can I’m a human being

Oh but I have just begun

My eyes are finally starting to see

This sea is slowly parting for me

And I am grateful as much as I know how

And no one can understand

My life, a fingerprint

Who I am, my experiences

Alone I will always be

Alone my soul will stand

In front of God, so I won’t lie

Cause tomorrow I won’t get to decide

Because the truth will be the only thing that’s real

Anything we have known

Any life we will live

I don’t even know how to forgive

But I will always move to learn to move on

 

And I know it’s time

Because I finally understand

Because I can finally hear sirens

Because I can finally feel it in my nerves

That send signals jolting me into motion!

 

I am too awake to be awake,

Too engrossed to be of focus..

I’ve been taken in,

I’ve been taken in!

 

 I’ve been ruined for some time

I’ll be established for eternity

I choose not to escape

I choose to be here in every moment

Exploring it all within

I don’t need music or manmade heaven,

Cause I’m not truly alone

When with every moment, I’m with Him.

This Road

I’ve been down this road before
It leads to one hundred different doors
Only one is the right one
That’ll​ take me home
What choices do I have?
The noises distract from the truth

Can we take the high road
To a safe place that’s not here
To our own Wonderland
Family safe and unfound
All highways lead to signs unwritten
I don’t know where I’m going

I hope it’s beautiful, tranquil
Where I’ll have a home

Chorus
That is the place
We call Jannah, Paradise
Worried I’m not worthy, paradise
But i believe
God created something in me
And if he can see a better future for me
Then i certainly can

It’s hard
When you want something so bad
But its barely out of reach
Teasing as you beseech
Almost there
Not quite where
You need to be

But I want to get home
This is not it
Dunya
I need a good future
Even if I lose this world
There’s something better
Out there
I can’t see it
I can’t sense it
In any scent, sight or form
But the belief alone
Knowing there’s more than this
There’s more than this

Chorus
That is the place
We call Jannah, Paradise
Worried I’m not worthy, paradise
But i believe
God created something in me
And if he can see a better future for me
Then I certainly can

Can we take the high road
To a safe place that’s not here
To our own Wonderland
Family safe and unfound
All highways lead to signs unwritten
I don’t know where I’m going

I hope it’s beautiful, tranquil
Where I’ll have a home

Chorus
That is the place
We call Jannah, Paradise
I know I’m not worthy, but Allah is kind

So I believe
God created something in me
And if he can see a better future for me
Then I certainly can