Letter from a Dying Girl

In a hundred miserable miles
I lied with smiles
Left trinkets and gifts lying
Around hoping to deflect the light 
Revealing the deceit and the decay
As I continued to disintegrate
But never did I stop to speak the truth
 
Watched rivers go by
Carrying my life
And all the world turned to fight against me
And here I stood, a one-woman army
On knees before first fire
 
Ya Rahman, Ya Arham Ar-rahimeen
I need you now
I need this call to be heard
I was stubborn, I know, I know..
I was rigid, I was defeatist
Gathered to die a fatalist
Pessimistic complacence
Hardly believing a tragedy like this
Would be this manner in which I’d exist
But subhanallah,
Never have I seen a sunrise such as this!
 
But You beckon
Sent beacons
You sent him, her, them
You sent kindness, love, compassion
Then you took it and showed it
Was never a given
Not from those sources
But of Your many graces, surely
 
A time came
My pain aged
Soon so crusty and peeling
I soon cried, stripped raw, exposed
Crying, cayenne in old wounds burning anew
Under my crumbling ceiling
Bleeding but this time I was under pressure
From a house I buckled under
Holding my breath
Not a word, to keep it together
And you kept me together
 
You hold me, tight–so tight
Chest heavy, pained to breathe
Finally, exhale heavy
I had never died,
It is You, I soon realize
 
The drought stripped me of tears
And soon after years of misery and uncured fear
Came the rain of mercy
First in dreams where the home was the backyard
And the house the world I escaped
 
And at the downpour I jumped backward
I put my hands up to shield from the pelting
But instead it was just the sky melting
And through the cloudless rain was sunshine
Healing, easing into light so soft and velvet-like
 
Opening up my heart to You
And all I did was take a step towards You
When them demons stepped to me
I walked to You
And your silver lines rained down
I couldn’t paint what I saw
I couldn’t word what I know now
 
Water gushing over me
Floating inside a sea
This forgiveness formed for me
Oh only, Your Love and Mercy
 
Lifted forlorn, parched skin to the sky
Facing your rainlight
Water from my eyes,
Water and ice and warmth
Rinse my heart,
Love unadulterated, new times
Tears slipping with dripping rain
To a inner world, parched
All rejuvenation here juvenile
A soul still seeking to be quenched
Young in its early quest
Older than the world itself
Repeated realignment,
Only from the One, Perfect
 
And all you did
All you said was Kun!
.. Fayakun.
And here I come, here I come to Ramadan
Your broken, healing servant
Impossible to be deserving
But where is the need
When your compassion and mercy are such perfection?
 
Ya Arham Arahimeen.
I know You’ll always be
But never again, never let me leave.

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